Grad school is a cult

In grad school, my mental and physical health started to deteriorate. Grad school is an abusive environment...being confined to a chair, reading and writing irrelevant material, being undermined by narcissistic professors despite hours of hard work. Memories of grad school are dark, as my mind and body gradually became enslaved to the Satanic system...and I became depressed, warped in my thinking. Without realizing, I began to commit slow suicide through starvation. The memories are haunting; I'd punish myself just for being human instead of a perfect, lifeless slave.

The slave mentality of the corporate system begins full force during grad school. By no means am I the only one who has been subjected to this ritualized abuse, which is no less than mind control. Slowly losing my mind as the amount of busywork took every moment of my time and all of my mental energy...the suffering of grad school is unique and must be experienced to be really understood.

Stream of consciousness

Being right with God is the most important priority. Regardless of all else, if someone has fellowship with God, that person has succeeded in life.

One may dress up a dead object to look pretty, yet the essence of death still permeates through. True beauty is found in the inward function of life and light. Light and life give off warmth.

Counterfeit beauty can be quite flashy and superficially captivating, such as what is found in electric light, faux flowers, and cosmetic masks. The world is drawn to "beauty" such as that. Yet true beauty captures God's eye, and has eternal quality.

The beauty of form follows function. The purpose for which we are created is fellowship with God, delighting in Him, working together toward His good plan.

Do not be conformed to the culture's standard image of the "Christian woman." She is saccharine, full of fluff and empty cliches. She's pretty on the outside, yet lacks depth.

Some "worship music" is actually worship of self music.

God is a genius, the wise and brilliant mastermind behind creation, the greatest artist of all. He is the author of true beauty. True beauty is not vain.

Grieving

Again, I am overwhelmed. Life is so difficult sometimes. If I am struggling just to get through the day, how can I live for God?

But that's a fallacy, I suppose...that I must have my life "together" before I am able to serve God. Right now I can serve God, even in these difficult circumstances.

Now that Tyson is gone, I don't have much of a will to live in this world. God, what must I do to complete my purpose and leave this place? There isn't much joy in my heart now, other than the joy I find in simple pleasures. Maybe that is enough for now.

"Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof."

Like Christ told us, I must live one day at a time. Predicting the future is impossible, yet I know the One who knows the future. God, I trust You....

Sweet life must be somewhere to be found

In this artificial environment, I struggle to recall reality.

If a fish lived in a little bowl for an extended amount of time, then was suddenly thrown into a river, he would be shocked. He would no longer remember the river he originally came from. The little bowl would have started to seem like the entire world, and the river would seem like a foreign place.

Yet the river is his true home, not the bowl. God created the river, while mankind created the bowl. Mankind's creation is always less than God's...less clean, less rugged, less beautiful.

The majority of people have lost touch with what's real; like goldfish in bowls meant to become majestic koi, we are stunted.

Having fun isn't the purpose of life

Having fun is a modern concern, in the sense of seeking amusement and entertainment. Fun isn't mentioned in the Bible or other ancient texts. That's why instead of seeking to have fun, I pursue joy....

Life is too short and precious to waste time on games, drugs, and parties -- pastimes that are considered fun in this culture. Like people in the olden days, I take life seriously. That doesn't mean I never experience enjoyment; simple pleasures bring me joy, such as reading, listening to music, and spending time with loved ones. Also, I enjoy my work. Life isn't exactly fun, but it is joyful.

The value of wisdom

Wisdom is far more valuable than material wealth. God's Word is clear about that. Yet most people spend their lives seeking material wealth rather than the priceless gem of wisdom. Perhaps...like gold, silver, diamonds, pearls, rubies, and sapphires...wisdom is rare to find, perhaps even more so than physical gems.

A person can be financially poor, but rich in wisdom...and wisdom is freely given by God to all who ask Him for it.

Yet another evil invention

If I turn away for just a moment, then look at the state of the world again...I find that in a short amount of time, the world has become even darker and more deranged.

Now lab grown meat is marketed, and people think that's a good idea!

Any vile, evil product sells if dressed up to appear cute, trendy, and high tech. Lord, I am just done with this world. Yet there must be a reason I am still here, living in this chaotic moment of history.

The correct response to evil

When Saul chased David, David never retaliated in violence. He remained meek and humble, like Christ, and didn't even hold a grudge against Saul. May I respond the same way to those who attack me, God. May I be wise enough to handle such situations correctly by the Holy Spirit. May the cruelty of people not change who I am in Christ.

A lament

Lord, I am overwhelmed. Caught up in the world's frantic pace, I've drifted from You. Draw me near again....

Father, I just can't fill every spare moment with activity. Doing so makes me wilt, not thrive. Right now I just long to hide away from this world of competition and hypocrisy.

Every day I long to go out in nature, to see creation...yet I am trapped in this prison, the Babylon system. Ravens fly in the sunlight like bits of midnight at noon, yet I live in the shadows between the walls. Will the light ever touch my skin?

Mist covered the land this morning...such a beautiful, mysterious sight. The quietness contributed to the beauty. Babylon despises silence and solitude. Why have You made me this way, so shy and quiet? There must be a reason, because You don't make mistakes.

Identity restoration

During my last year of grad school, I made the decision to recover from anorexia.

God gently convicted me that I was going to kill myself. Anorexia gave me a false sense of control. Recovery was the first step toward learning to accept myself.

At first I felt terrified. What if I became fat? Yet fat was better than dead....After I started eating normally again, though, I only gained five pounds.

Anorexia was the result of self rejection, but I became kinder toward myself after I recovered. Recovery made me healthier physically, mentally, and spiritually. Ironically, I also became a good cook.

Anorexia stole my identity for a time, but recovery restored my true personality. When I was starving, all I could think about was food. After recovery, I was able to think about other things again.

A prayer for the spirit

Father, I don't fully understand the profound mystery of the spirit. From experience, all I know is that once I was spiritually dead, and now I am spiritually alive. The Holy Spirit indwells me now.

The spirit is the perfect aspect of humanity, the aspect that connects a person to God. Father, may I no longer live by the flesh or the soul. May I live by the Spirit, now and forevermore.

Here I am, Lord. Thy will be done. Into Your hands I commend my spirit.

A prayer for the soul

God, You have created a unique soul in every person. Thank You for creating me with a unique personality and talents. Forgive me for the times I have been a hypocrite, pretending to be someone I am not. May I live authentically. Keep me from unhealthy comparisons, and anoint my soul so that I may fulfill my destiny, because You created me the way I am for good reason. Thank You for loving me the way I am.

The homeless crisis

Homelessness has become a prevalent issue in the United States. Many people blame the homeless themselves for drug addiction, mental illness, or irresponsibility. Though these factors contribute, there are other reasons outside of their control, such as medical bills that drain their bank accounts, layoffs, and simply not being able to afford the inflated rent prices.

The homeless problem has made people afraid to walk around in certain downtown areas, which is a shame. More homeless shelters need to be built....Our taxes should pay for that instead of benefits for illegal immigrants. Rent control would also help.

By the grace of God go I....If not for family support, I could be homeless as well. That's why I'm not one to judge.

The beginning of eternity

There are so many books to read, videos to create, plants to grow, drawings to draw, songs to sing, recipes to make, places to explore, people to meet...so much I'd like to do, even if the world is ending.

Survivor guilt

 

The Holocaust happened not so long ago. People were systematically treated with horrific cruelty. The memories haunt me, even though they are not my memories.

Though my family didn't go through the Holocaust, they knew friends who did. My mom met friends of her grandparents who had the numbers on their arms. All of that happened before my mom's birth, yet the shadow still casts upon my mind.

Ever since reading Maus, I have this sense of survivor guilt. The book seems to have been written for that purpose, to strike people with a guilt that passes through generations. In another book by the same author, the character who represents the author gives the guilt of the Holocaust to his son as a symbolic gift.

Why? There is no guilt in love, no condemnation in Christ. Of course, the author doesn't know Christ. Even so, why pass the burden of guilt to his son?

Indeed, this tragedy belongs to all of humanity. Yet instead of living with the burden of guilt, I believe we ought to live to the fullest. And we ought to stomp out antisemitism every time it rears its ugly head.

Imago Dei

What quality does humanity have that makes us in the image of God? Angels are not made in the image of God, so there must be some quality we have that they lack. What could that be?