Vanity

Usually I don't like to talk about my personal life, especially my problems. Yet from time to time I post personal entries because my hope is that someone out there may benefit from reading about my experiences, perhaps because he or she struggles with similar ones. Empathizing with others has always helped me in my sorrows...so, I will share an entry I wrote awhile ago about loneliness, and a man who broke my heart:

Still, I see no sign of marriage in my future...and sometimes I feel tossed about, forgotten by the world like a spare part.

Why did he behave as if he liked me, giving me gifts, complimenting me, hugging me, asking me to draw for him, and so on? Why did he kindle a lonely soul's passion without the intention to stay in contact and be friends? He seemed to lose interest soon after I moved away, and I still feel hurt by that.

Maybe I was just one of the many pretty faces he encountered through the years.

Yet we had so much in common....We were both odd and misunderstood. He was the person I wanted to be with more than anyone else I have met, and I felt like we connected on a deep level...but maybe only I felt that way. Maybe many girls have felt that way; I can't look into his mind and know...and actions can be misleading. Maybe I misinterpreted everything.

Still, I wonder...does he remember me? Only God knows. How many girls has he made feel "special" by now? If I wasn't really special to him, are they?

No matter what his sins might be, I can only confess my own...and I forgive him for breaking my heart.

***

Recently there has been a remake of the song that always reminded me of him, which prompted this trip down memory lane:

A lament

Do I make a difference in the world?

The way I constantly feel is...insecure, invisible, lonely, insignificant, mediocre, plain, boring, awkward, afraid to look people in the eyes.

If I were gone, hardly anyone would miss me. Most people wouldn't notice. Is that everyone's fate?

Loneliness gnaws at my heart like the deep winter air gnaws at my bones. Waves of sadness continually wash over me, and I have no one to talk to. It really hurts.

"Trying to break out of my shell" doesn't work; I have tried, and that has gotten me nowhere.

Do the ones in which I've invested my deepest passions even remember my name? People are so disappointing....Loyalty means nothing these days.

The eyes reveal all

Several cliches originated from the Bible and became watered down due to overuse...for instance, "the eyes are the window to the soul," a variation of Christ's words: "The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness" (Matthew 6:22-23).

The eyes truly do reveal a person's essence. The "elites" who sold their souls for money and power have lifeless eyes that are quite disturbing to look at. Dr. Charlton describes them as "snake eyes."

Discerning people's qualities by their facial features is a lost art in postmodern society. Yet one can see just by looking at these people that they are spiritually corrupt. The evil thoughts and deeds they've committed throughout their lives are apparent in their expressions, just like the healthiness of one's diet is revealed by outward appearance. Perhaps that's why villains were traditionally portrayed as ugly - a physical manifestation of their character.

However, not all demon possessed people have dead, soulless eyes. There is also a false light that is just as unnerving, usually found in younger sellouts - musicians, yoga gurus, and the like. They look flashy in order to attract people, but the source of their charm is demonic. The Bible describes the demon Leviathan as a majestic creature: "His sneezings flash forth light, and his eyes are like the eyelids of dawn" (Job 41:18).

Satan's minions may disguise themselves as angels of light, but there is still something off about them.

 

In contrast, the eyes of people infilled with the Holy Spirit don't have that dead look or an unnerving, otherworldly glow. They are full of life without being dramatic or exaggerated. They have a simple, wholesome goodness about them.

Spiritual signs in nature

A battle takes place in the air above. The shrill cawing of a crow replies to the gentle call of a mourning dove. Meanwhile, a chorus of sparrows sings in unison. Like the battle between the realms of good and evil, with the physical world caught in between, the dove has the first and final word. The good is victorious.

Yes, I project spiritual significance onto mundane events.