Academia seriously messed with my mind

A few years ago I hid in the El Camino College Library to pray, wondering if the odd madness I experienced was just a phase or my new reality.

Regardless, I gave myself fully to God. Unwell in body and mind, I realized that healing would take time...and that He was able to heal if He willed. Either way, I chose life. 

Even if I had to follow God with a broken body and unstable mind, I still chose to follow Him.

That day I realized how imperfect and fragile I was. God cast me down after I attempted to reach the heights of heaven by acts of will. That's why I found myself broken before the God of mercy and justice, wondering if He would still love such a person.

The sun touched my hands and face and heart, reaching down through the skylights, and the place became a cathedral.

Years prior to that day, I experienced God's presence in a real cathedral when I visited Vancouver...and years later, I became a Christian in the Santa Ana College locker room, surrounded by tall windows that reminded me of a cathedral as well.

Looking at the faces of other academics, I saw my own features, as if gazing into a mirror. Starving seemed to be conducive to the formation of the academic identity...the wasting away of one's real self until only an empty, hungry shadow of the former person remained, like a fallen leaf nipped by the wind of winter. But I sacrificed that life...or rather, that half-life...in exchange for true and eternal life.

Hard sayings in the Old Testament

Honestly, I'm a bit disturbed that "blemished" (deformed) people were said to defile the holy place in Leviticus. Though I understand that deformities are unsettling, people afflicted with them can't help how they were born. At least God didn't command them to be put to death, which would be even more disturbing...though I wish someone would have the courage to preach about these difficult passages which no one ever seems to mention. Leviticus is a barrier to many people's faith, so I don't think these topics ought to be neglected.

Becoming a morning person

This morning I naturally woke up at 6 AM. Though I planned to go back to sleep, the beauty of the morning captivated me, and I didn't want to miss out. That time of day is so tranquil.

Last night I went to sleep around 11, when all of a sudden I became very tired for some reason while playing Kingdom Hearts. The game made me feel dizzy and nauseated...maybe due to the bright colors and spinning camera during fight scenes; I don't play video games as often as I used to because I don't have time, so maybe I'm not used to them anymore.

Could I become a morning person, though? Will God change me in such a drastic way? At that time of day I feel so spiritual....What am I trying to express?

Early morning is now my favorite time of day. The air is cool and sweet. The world feels refreshed. It seems to be a holy time.

Late night used to be my favorite, but I'm changing. Night is also beautiful in a way, yet also a bit lonely and frightening. Night is when evil lurks.

Should I become a morning person? That would go against my nature. Yet if this is God's will...may I have the discipline to be early to bed and early to rise.

The difficulties of living in a material world

Living in a physical body is tough. There always seems to be problems: my knees hurt...I'm hungry...I need to take a shower...I feel sick...I have to do the dishes...situations like that, all of which take time and effort. Sometimes I feel so tired, all I want to do is stay in bed. The weakness in my body seems to reflect the weakness I feel in my soul. The strength of my will isn't enough.

Should I rest, then? Is that a waste of time when I could be drawing, writing, exercising, or socializing? Will I ever be able to rest without guilt?

The body can be like an obstacle. Riddled with various problems like a complex machine...how can I accomplish anything if I'm too tired to function? Though I didn't go to bed particularly late last night, I slept until almost noon. Maybe I just needed the sleep, but I feel off today.

While falling asleep, I believe an evil spirit tormented me; I kept waking up full of fear, with horrible, violent thoughts entering my mind. Then I told the spirit to leave in the name of Jesus, and I felt it depart. After the presence left the room I felt peaceful. The thoughts went away, and I quickly fell asleep.

Being half asleep seems to sharpen my ability to sense spirits.

Once I heard that we shouldn't directly fight against demons because then we become vulnerable to attacks. Though I didn't trust the pastor I heard that from, perhaps there is some truth to what he said. Then again, even Satan speaks the truth sometimes...albeit in a twisted way, which is no different from lying.

Yet I have noticed that after I cast out demons or break curses and strongholds, I'm met with backlash that can be quite frightening. Maybe I'm in over my head....The scary, violent thoughts started after breaking generational curses.

Does the backlash mean I shouldn't break the curses, though? The alternative is accepting the curses, so I don't think so. Christ is stronger than any demonic power, and He shall protect me.

Alone, but not lonely

As usual, I have no friends. That's the norm for me now. Yet maybe I prefer this solitary life in a way.

Social situations make me feel a bit nervous, and my social skills are awkward due to lack of use. On the other hand, I enjoy long stretches of alone time so that I may think, pray, and write. Having no friends isn't good, I know, but I just don't know what to do about it.

Ceaselessly praying, initiating conversations, being a generally nice and helpful person...and so on...haven't helped.

Therefore, I suppose I'll pray one more time.

God, please bring true friends into my life...friends who like me for who I am...no more gossip or betrayal. Please bring lasting friendships into my life. All of my efforts fail, so only You can do this.

Still, I wonder...am I defected, like a whisper of a person instead of someone with a distinct presence?

When I have the chance to interact with others, I am kind toward them. Yet the feeling of being different lurks in the back of my mind at all times, and I expect every encounter to be fleeting. Most people and I don't have much in common.

This life isn't normal, but I'm used to it. Since I have a strong connection with God, I don't often feel lonely. Actually, I feel more alone in groups than I do when I'm on my own.