Living abundantly

The scriptures have authority. They're not just pleasant sentiments. They contain truth.

One of the scriptures that gives me the most comfort is Revelation 21:4 - "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." The loss of a loved one never fully heals until we meet again in eternity. We must learn to live with the loss until then.

After losing Tyson, I temporarily lost the will to go on. Then I realized...Tyson wouldn't want me to suffer like that. He loved to eat and go on walks. He lived abundantly. That is why I decided to recover from anorexia.

There are many false teachers in the world with tainted messages. From now on I will not listen to them. Twisted truth is even more dangerous than bold lies. That's how evil operates, by gaining power through lies.

These days many people are bitter, selfish, and entitled. May I be different, God. Christians are meant to be people of positive influence.

Satan's strategy

Essentially, Satan disguises himself as an angel of light to draw attention away from God and gain a following -- even by using God's name.

Wolves in sheep's clothing always talk about love, don't they? They talk about this sappy, saccharine, high fructose sentiment, yet their hearts are cold, dark, and empty. Real love is often less sweet, yet far more profound and nourishing.

Enmity with the world

Whether or not the world ever rewards my efforts doesn't matter, because God's standard of success is different from the world's.

According to the world, Kim Kardashian and Natalie Portman are beautiful women. Yet they focus on their outward appearance rather than the heart, where true beauty originates. When I starved myself to look more like Hollywood's beauty standard, did I look better than I do now at a healthy weight? To the contrary, gaining weight improved my appearance and mental health.

According to the world, the city is cool and the countryside is boring. Yet these days cities have become dystopian, with crime and garbage and tent towns all over the place. Now there is a trend of moving to rural areas. Living in the countryside allows one to feel human again.

The world is impressed with formal education, especially prestigious universities such as Harvard and Yale. Yet universities are evil institutions. They're meant to be Christ centered, as Harvard was originally, but they have strayed from their origins and now perpetuate corrupt philosophies.

The world favors loud, flashy attention whores instead of quiet, humble people who mind their own business, as God instructs us to do. Politicians and celebrities live up to the world's standard of success, but they are spiritual failures. When I consider this, the values of the world are rendered meaningless.

End times

As of late I feel sad because the world is such a mess, turning into one gigantic Nazi Germany, with people dying suddenly left and right from the vax. The Satanic agenda continues to go full speed ahead. These times are frightening, but also exciting. Truly, these are the best of times and the worst of times.

Rejection is part of the Christian life

God, I am weary of being "nice," and subsequently trampled beneath people's feet. Thank You for loving me, even if the world doesn't....Thank You for understanding the pain of rejection.

The primary purpose of life is not fellowship with other people, but fellowship with God. Christ said that His followers would be rejected, even by other "religious" people. Christ didn't befriend everyone, because He discerned the true nature of people.

Sincerity of heart distinguishes false Christians from genuine ones. The way is narrow indeed, for sincerity is rare. So many people treat church as a social club, yet a true Christian is set apart from the world, including selfish ambition and popularity contests.

The ritual burning of California

Fire season has started in California again. After living there for ten years and experiencing a few of them, I am convinced that most, if not all of the fires aren't natural occurrences. The media tells bizarre stories about how they start, such as gender reveal parties and sparks from car tires, but I believe they're started by Satanists.

Paradise, California burned down a couple of months after I visited with my mom. While we were there, we even talked about how they'd want to burn down that beautiful place, and that it would be a fire trap. Demons hate God's creation and want to destroy all that is pure and natural. Thankfully, most of the people in the fire survived. Yet my heart still hurts that such a nice place has been destroyed.

Sins and mistakes: part of being human

Continually, continually I sin....If I ever believe I have finally overcome a particular sin, another one unexpectedly rises from the shadows. In response, all I am able to offer is praise to God for His sinless son who overcame sin and death, and who is our only hope.

If I had no fear of making mistakes, I would try all of the various ideas and experiments that enter my mind, even if they seem strange, fantastical, implausible....Also, I would speak my mind more often. Without fear, including the fear of making mistakes, I'd live more fully.

Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof

Sometimes the loneliness is devastating.

Usually I feel that way at night. Though I long for friendship, part of me also pushes people away. Why?

People are difficult to trust. Some of the people I've loved most have betrayed me, including my own family. Many people are so selfish that they're incapable of love.

Yet the pain keeps my mind fixed upon God. We are all in pain, I suppose, even the wicked who are prospering in a worldly sense and who never think about God. The more time I spend with God, the farther I drift from the world....

Live just one day at a time....Indeed, I don't know what shall happen tomorrow. Yet God knows, and for that reason I am comforted.

Comments on the continuing cultural decline of the West

Whenever the majority of people forget about God, society starts to decline. Clearly, this has been happening in the West since the last century. Yet the last century still maintained a vestige of dignity, so I am thankful that I was born then and still have memories of the days prior to social media, which led to the rapid cultural decline we are experiencing now.

Speaking of which, there aren't any contemporary writers I admire, besides a few bloggers. Good writing also ended in the last century, as the internet jacked up everyone's attention spans. Though I like the concise simplicity of modern writing, most articles online are very watered down and shallow. They're meant for skimming, not truly reading.

Disconnection from the mass media

Though I was born in the United States, I do not relate to American pop culture that has corrupted the entire world. About twelve years ago I stopped watching television. Greed, violence, selfishness, and pride are celebrated. People who are considerate, polite, and unselfish are trodden upon. Living in this postmodern generation is difficult, and I feel I have no place....

The meaning of sainthood

All Christians are saints, despite our unworthiness of being called such. God is strange in that way, seeing the potential of who He created us to be regardless of our present circumstances. He perceives the oak within the acorn.

Christian saints aren't perfect people or superheroes, but ordinary folks transformed by God. They don't pretend to be greater than they are in order to look good in the eyes of man. They aren't required to perform miracles or have places named after them, but simply to be lights in this dark world. Saints don't seek to draw attention to themselves, for all glory belongs to God, and they are merely His instruments. An instrument doesn't receive glory, but the musician.

Therefore, a saint doesn't seek popularity or fame. Our value isn't determined by the opinions of other people; God's opinion is the only one that matters. Even if I am unknown here on earth, I shall be known and loved in Heaven.

As a saint, every aspect of life is holy because all I do is devoted to God.

The missing ingredient

There is a part of life that logic cannot touch.

Practical minded people experience frustration when they encounter this aspect of life, because plugging in a formula doesn't work. People don't always react the way we expect them to. What sounds flawless on paper may not translate to reality.

People may live miles apart, yet still be connected...and people may live in the same house, yet be miles apart.

Maybe nothing is missing on the outside, but something is missing inside. Maybe we achieve the outward appearance of success, yet we don't feel content. What is missing?

The Spirit, which cannot be pinned down.

Allergic to small talk

Sometimes I worry that I prefer concepts to people because I have lots of fun within my own mind, often tuning out reality. 

Does that mean I'm antisocial?

On second thought...no, I just dislike small talk. And I'm not good at it. We tend to dislike what we aren't good at.

Have I mentioned that I hate postmodernism?

Hindsight is 20/20, so a reflection on postmodernism while we're still in the middle of postmodernism is a difficult task...though I think enough time has passed to conclude that the philosophy is destructive to our souls, at least.

To be blunt, postmodernism makes me sick. This isn't a judgement, but a visceral reaction. The trends in art, architecture, and literature during this era reflect a negative spiritual shift.

This begs the question...does life imitate art, or vice versa? "Both," I am tempted to reply. Essentially, though, these changes have a spiritual origin. This is where reality springs from. The physical world reflects the spiritual state of humanity.

The direction in which society is headed chills me to the bone. A benevolent hand is not guiding this progression. By allowing us free will, God is not fully in charge of what happens in this fallen world...not yet. Postmodernism is led by the human heart, which is wicked and deceptive.

For instance, the war on men is a postmodern phenomenon. Manhood was once synonymous with virtue, but now both virtue and manhood are made fun of. Postmodern people have convinced themselves that evil is good, and good is evil.

Nature doesn't follow these movements. There is still innocence in animals that humanity lacks. Nature has been tainted by the Fall, but animals were not the ones to eat the forbidden fruit.

We live in an unsettling, interesting time. This age is amoral, asexual, atheistic....Humanity has abandoned God and moral judgement. Life has become subjective, self-absorbed, all about the individual. And since we have no standard of values, we have few good leaders and thinkers in this era. What else might we expect from a culture that despises truth, beauty, and love?

Innocence redeemed

Postmodern people are allergic to chivalry. Nothing is as despised as virtue. Yet nothing is as tragic as lost innocence.

In the past, people understood this. Now we accept the loss of innocence as a given. Children are exposed to horrors in the media, and people regard that as normal.

The gradual acceptance of depravity has changed the culture so that good is perceived as evil, and evil as good.

Sure, I am aware of the world's brokenness, the disease of sin, the evil that lurks in every heart. Reality is ugly. By seeking innocence, am I living in a fantasy? Or could innocence be our true state?

Christians not only reach toward reclaiming our prior state of innocence in Eden, but a beautiful future promised by God.

Academia seriously messed with my mind

A few years ago I hid in the El Camino College Library to pray, wondering if the odd madness I experienced was just a phase or my new reality.

Regardless, I gave myself fully to God. Unwell in body and mind, I realized that healing would take time...and that He was able to heal if He willed. Either way, I chose life. 

Even if I had to follow God with a broken body and unstable mind, I still chose to follow Him.

That day I realized how imperfect and fragile I was. God cast me down after I attempted to reach the heights of heaven by acts of will. That's why I found myself broken before the God of mercy and justice, wondering if He would still love such a person.

The sun touched my hands and face and heart, reaching down through the skylights, and the place became a cathedral.

Years prior to that day, I experienced God's presence in a real cathedral when I visited Vancouver...and years later, I became a Christian in the Santa Ana College locker room, surrounded by tall windows that reminded me of a cathedral as well.

Looking at the faces of other academics, I saw my own features, as if gazing into a mirror. Starving seemed to be conducive to the formation of the academic identity...the wasting away of one's real self until only an empty, hungry shadow of the former person remained, like a fallen leaf nipped by the wind of winter. But I sacrificed that life...or rather, that half-life...in exchange for true and eternal life.

Hard sayings in the Old Testament

Honestly, I'm a bit disturbed that "blemished" (deformed) people were said to defile the holy place in Leviticus. Though I understand that deformities are unsettling, people afflicted with them can't help how they were born. At least God didn't command them to be put to death, which would be even more disturbing...though I wish someone would have the courage to preach about these difficult passages which no one ever seems to mention. Leviticus is a barrier to many people's faith, so I don't think these topics ought to be neglected.

Becoming a morning person

This morning I naturally woke up at 6 AM. Though I planned to go back to sleep, the beauty of the morning captivated me, and I didn't want to miss out. That time of day is so tranquil.

Last night I went to sleep around 11, when all of a sudden I became very tired for some reason while playing Kingdom Hearts. The game made me feel dizzy and nauseated...maybe due to the bright colors and spinning camera during fight scenes; I don't play video games as often as I used to because I don't have time, so maybe I'm not used to them anymore.

Could I become a morning person, though? Will God change me in such a drastic way? At that time of day I feel so spiritual....What am I trying to express?

Early morning is now my favorite time of day. The air is cool and sweet. The world feels refreshed. It seems to be a holy time.

Late night used to be my favorite, but I'm changing. Night is also beautiful in a way, yet also a bit lonely and frightening. Night is when evil lurks.

Should I become a morning person? That would go against my nature. Yet if this is God's will...may I have the discipline to be early to bed and early to rise.

The difficulties of living in a material world

Living in a physical body is tough. There always seems to be problems: my knees hurt...I'm hungry...I need to take a shower...I feel sick...I have to do the dishes...situations like that, all of which take time and effort. Sometimes I feel so tired, all I want to do is stay in bed. The weakness in my body seems to reflect the weakness I feel in my soul. The strength of my will isn't enough.

Should I rest, then? Is that a waste of time when I could be drawing, writing, exercising, or socializing? Will I ever be able to rest without guilt?

The body can be like an obstacle. Riddled with various problems like a complex machine...how can I accomplish anything if I'm too tired to function? Though I didn't go to bed particularly late last night, I slept until almost noon. Maybe I just needed the sleep, but I feel off today.

While falling asleep, I believe an evil spirit tormented me; I kept waking up full of fear, with horrible, violent thoughts entering my mind. Then I told the spirit to leave in the name of Jesus, and I felt it depart. After the presence left the room I felt peaceful. The thoughts went away, and I quickly fell asleep.

Being half asleep seems to sharpen my ability to sense spirits.

Once I heard that we shouldn't directly fight against demons because then we become vulnerable to attacks. Though I didn't trust the pastor I heard that from, perhaps there is some truth to what he said. Then again, even Satan speaks the truth sometimes...albeit in a twisted way, which is no different from lying.

Yet I have noticed that after I cast out demons or break curses and strongholds, I'm met with backlash that can be quite frightening. Maybe I'm in over my head....The scary, violent thoughts started after breaking generational curses.

Does the backlash mean I shouldn't break the curses, though? The alternative is accepting the curses, so I don't think so. Christ is stronger than any demonic power, and He shall protect me.

Alone, but not lonely

As usual, I have no friends. That's the norm for me now. Yet maybe I prefer this solitary life in a way.

Social situations make me feel a bit nervous, and my social skills are awkward due to lack of use. On the other hand, I enjoy long stretches of alone time so that I may think, pray, and write. Having no friends isn't good, I know, but I just don't know what to do about it.

Ceaselessly praying, initiating conversations, being a generally nice and helpful person...and so on...haven't helped.

Therefore, I suppose I'll pray one more time.

God, please bring true friends into my life...friends who like me for who I am...no more gossip or betrayal. Please bring lasting friendships into my life. All of my efforts fail, so only You can do this.

Still, I wonder...am I defected, like a whisper of a person instead of someone with a distinct presence?

When I have the chance to interact with others, I am kind toward them. Yet the feeling of being different lurks in the back of my mind at all times, and I expect every encounter to be fleeting. Most people and I don't have much in common.

This life isn't normal, but I'm used to it. Since I have a strong connection with God, I don't often feel lonely. Actually, I feel more alone in groups than I do when I'm on my own.

Nurturing the inner adult

Every so often I sleep around the clock...when I need to, I suppose. What's done is done; I'm not going to waste energy feeling all disappointed about sleeping in this morning. Sleep isn't a waste of time, after all, but a vital function for the body.

As I clean my house in preparation for a possible move, I've noticed that I am putting away many childish things...toys, for example, that I'm donating to a preschool. Maybe this is because I am ready to grow up spiritually; I don't want to be a perpetual child. That would be a bit creepy, right?

Holding onto my childhood doesn't allow me to fully be who I am. Contrary to what many people believe, I don't think there's anything inherently "magical" or innocent about childhood. In fact, I could be quite a cruel child...especially since at the time I was unsaved, confused, and enduring terrible family problems.

What I still hold onto from childhood are certain positive interests that still benefit me now, such as my adventure stories that I'd like to develop into a novel. Some things never change. Some things must, however; I must be responsible, sensible, realistic, and I can't be so selfish anymore. Now that I am an adult, I value wisdom and discipline.

That's why I enjoy being an adult more than I enjoyed being a child...because I am a much better adult than I was a child.

The process of sanctification

Saint Stephen's face shone like an angel's.

God's grace makes us more than who we are by nature. His compassion working through us gives us the hands of saints. His divine beauty gives us the faces of angels.

God's will for His children is for us to be lights in this dark world.

Lord, help me remember that this isn't a destination, but a daily practice and way of life. In this world, there will be some painful striving until we fully enter Your rest. May I not merely be like a saint of stone, a beautiful yet dead thing, but may I be like a living stone that has been breathed upon and given life.

The root of envy

So much gossip and general nastiness stems from envy. People see something in someone else that they wish they could possess, and they lash out in hostility rather than reflecting on what they might change within themselves in order to achieve it. From time to time I've felt envious when I come across people more boldly expressive than I am, who don't hesitate to freely share the essence of who they are with the world...and this would intensify if I saw that they were loved for who they are, rather than rejected.

But with God's help, I transformed envy into inspiration. Envy is a signal that we're missing something we deeply long for. From there, we need to find out how to obtain that for ourselves, or if that proves impossible, realize that what we desire isn't necessarily God's will for us. What we want isn't always what we need for spiritual development, which is the purpose of the Christian life. A modified "sour grapes" mentality can be helpful in that regard...but rather than lying to ourselves by claiming that we never truly wanted what we wanted, concede that what we want isn't what God wants for us, and learn to be content.

Rather than always wanting mooooooore, I'd like to be thankful for all I have.

The glorification of being busy

Postmodern culture likes to pretend that being frantically busy is a virtue. Everyone seems to be proud of how busy they are. And not being busy -- such as by having no extravagant plans for the weekend -- is a bit of a taboo. Spending a weekend relaxing at home is strange, I guess.

But what if being busy all the time was the taboo instead? "She's such a loser," people would say behind each other's backs. "She never spends time alone with God. Her life must be so boring...."

People make many decisions according to peer pressure. No one wants to be considered strange...other than in a media influenced, affected way like Zooey Deschanel in New Girl. So, instead of admitting that they spent the weekend in their pajamas, many people post carefully curated photos on Fakebook to manufacture the illusion of an exciting life.

Despite being aware of this, I still find myself stressing, racing against time...for what? What so desperately needs to be accomplished today? Maybe I'm not immune to peer pressure....Maybe I still care too much about what others think.

Why Christians aren't "cool"

Christianity sure is unfashionable these days.

The media makes fun of Christians, hardly ever portraying them in a good light. Instead, they're shown to be hypocritical, judgemental, boring, and/or stupid. There are only a handful of kind, intelligent, three-dimensional Christian characters in the media who have been developed beyond these negative stereotypes.

Most people's thoughts and opinions directly arise from the mass media. That's why "religious" is considered a negative adjective these days....In the past, being called religious would have been a compliment, implying that someone is a good, honest person.

Once people find out I am "religious," they don't perceive me the same way anymore, because they judge me based upon the stereotypes. After I tell them I am a Christian, all of a sudden they think I'm crazy instead of cool. Following Christ makes me the odd one out in many situations.

Dreaming in color

I dreamed I was teaching a class...writing math problems on the whiteboard, but they kept erasing themselves and I couldn't solve them. Though I felt a bit shy about facing the class, I was doing all right. The dream was very detailed and colorful; I recall red markers and the muted tones of the classroom. Do some people really dream in black and white, as I've heard? Why, if real life is colorful?

Reflections on grace

Life is in a constant state of transition, and I am a wanderer passing through. This place isn't my real home....

First and foremost I am a child of God, eternally loved by Him. That is the foundation of who I am, and all else is secondary. Day by day, God is shaping me to become the person He created me to be.

Human strength is weakness; we must allow God to work through us. How can we learn to be patient without long periods of waiting? How can we grow strong without lifting heavy burdens? How can we grow wise without these experiences?

That's why God is teaching me to trust Him and be content in all circumstances.

Genuine grace contains a bit of awkwardness. The egret, one of nature's most graceful creatures, has an appearance that is somewhat off, with jagged angles and strange movements. We tend to think of grace as flawlessly executed, like a ballet dance or presidential speech. The person with perfect manners, whose tongue never slips, who has flawless fashion sense -- that is who we consider graceful. But the egret is untrained, and unparalleled grace surrounds it.

Maybe God's grace works the same way within us -- naturally, without our own self-conscious efforts to obtain righteousness.

The need for discernment

Hobbies...the activities we do in our leisure time...are of great importance.

Reading has always been a passion of mine, and I will read anything -- fiction, nonfiction, the back of a shampoo bottle if nothing else is available -- and I'm open to reading any genre, any book that captures my interest.

Yet I am more discerning in my choices than I used to be. In the past when I would read literally anything, Stephen King and J.K. Rowling were my favorite authors. Now that I know God, I'm more cautious about what I choose to read, watch, and listen to.

What we allow into our minds is just as important...or even more so...as what we eat for the body's nourishment.

Reading can expand the mind, but many books aren't worth the time. Many of them are dark, disturbing, depressing, and unholy, containing morally degenerate themes and images that taint the mind. The same is true of movies and music. That's why I now only read books that are spiritually nourishing. If the Holy Spirit convicts me not to read a book, I won't.